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Stephanie and Edward Wright, MD, have been married for 21 years; they met before he started medical school when she was active duty in the US Air Force. “I remember looking at him and thinking, don’t think I’m going to be one of those stay-at-home spouses just because I’m married to a doctor,” said Wright, 45, of Helotes, Texas. The demands of being the spouse of a medical resident and the mother of three small children, however, changed her plans.
“The challenges of him working 80 hours during his residency didn’t leave much time for anything else,” said Wright. “Everything in the house —…washing clothes, meals, cleaning up, taking care of kids that need you 24/7 fell on me…and even when he came out of residency, ER [emergency room] doctors have crazy schedules. It was challenging to have a normal life.”
Talk to any spouse of a doctor-in-training or a practicing physician, and you’ll hear a similar story. Medical spouses often feel overwhelmed, isolated, and resentful, and research has found that doctors’ spouses are at a higher risk for anxiety and depression. One study found that 7 in 10 doctors’ spouses had moderate-to-severe anxiety, nearly 1 in 3 had moderate-to-severe depression, and 6 in 10 experienced secondary trauma symptoms. What does it mean to be “married to medicine,” and how do doctors’ spouses manage the unique demands placed on them?
About Medscape Insights
Medscape continually surveys physicians and other medical professionals about key practice challenges and current issues, creating high-impact analyses. For example, the UK Physician Relationship Report 2026 found:
- 68% of physicians report being married.
- 81% of doctors said work always, often, or sometimes gets in the way of maintaining their relationship.
- Working long hours was the number one culprit disrupting their relationship, followed closely by stress and poor sleep.
From the Outside Looking In
Hayley Harlock, MSW, RSW, has been with her husband John since medical school. “As a social worker, I worked in an academic training center and had insight into what it looks like to be with a physician,” said Harlock, 47, of Burlington, Ontario, Canada. “Fast forward 10 years in, my husband was on staff, and I had three small children…from the outside looking in, it looked like I had this amazing life.”
But while the couple’s children were thriving, the couple’s bond was strained. “We put our heads down and kept going for a couple more years and hit a breaking point — ‘is this going to work?’ We had some tough conversations, and had to do a lot of thinking, and we did the work,” she added. Soon thereafter, she founded The Flipside Life, which offers support and community to physician families.
Isolation is a common complaint among doctors’ spouses. “There is a loneliness that is associated with being in a partnership with a physician. You have a partner, but your partner is often not physically or emotionally available to you,” said Harlock. “I used to joke that I had a running list of things I attended on my own, but that loneliness runs deep.”
Losing Connections
Pete Jardine was only 20 when he married Helen, who had been accepted to medical school in Poland, so he could live there with her. “You’re in love with this person, and you think, ‘we’re going to see this through,” said Jardine, 36. “But all of a sudden their attention shifts, and you feel secondary.”
Jardine initially left behind his family, community, and educational prospects to be with Helen but moved back to Canada until she finished medical school. The couple then lived in England for 6 years while she completed her training and finally returned to live in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada.
“I didn’t really use social media, and I lost touch with people,” said Jardine. It’s only recently, he added, that he has started to build community again after losing all their friends and social connections while abroad.
Who Am I, Anyway?
Doctors’ spouses may sacrifice their own career, friends and family, or educational goals to support their partners. “I pushed down my needs because she had so much to do,” admitted Jardine. “It creeps up on you because your spouse is so busy taking care of serious things, so you repress your needs. You get to the point that you don’t even know what your needs are. It’s not sudden — it’s this gradual erosion of your identity.”
Whether knowingly or not, your spouse may also contribute to the imbalance. “There is a lot of secondhand trauma,” added Jardine. “They’ll [doctors] come home with their stories and trauma, and they leave them with you. But they get training to deal with it. We don’t.”
‘But You’re Rich, Right?’
Perceived privilege and the altruistic nature of medicine can prevent spouses from admitting they’re unhappy, overwhelmed, or frustrated. Your spouse is a doctor, helping save people’s lives, and you’re living a comfortable lifestyle. So what is there to complain about?
“It’s a vicious cycle. ‘My partner is doing really important things…so I’m going to suck it up,’” said Harlock. “Then there’s a resentment…and shame. You feel resentful to your partner and to the profession as well…and ‘that I shouldn’t be experiencing this hardship because others have it worse than me.’”
Are There Any Benefits?
It’s not all bad news, however — there are some perks to being a doctor’s spouse. Living apart honed the Jardines’ communication skills, and they take a creative approach to household management, joking that Pete is the manager/COO of the household, and when Maria needs something she’ll “put in a ticket.” “She’s being a doctor and I’m doing everything else,” he said. “We’ll have a meeting on Mondays to talk about domestic and financial affairs.”
There are other payoffs as well. “Upon completion of residency and working a billion hours, he did receive a fairly sizable paycheck — it’s kind of the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,” said Wright. And when her dad got cancer, her husband was able to help expedite his care and make sure that he had access to the best treatments.
Managing the Challenges
The growing awareness of the stressors placed on doctors’ partners has led some medical schools to offer programs and resources for them. “The medical field is starting to recognize the impact medicine has on partners and family. We’re doing research on partners and family,” said Harlock. “What affects physicians at work, at home and vice versa…if we make sure physicians’ families are thriving, it ultimately benefits patients and the medical community.”
Smartphones make it easier than ever to stay connected as do online resources like www.theflipsidelife.com and podcasts including:
- Supporting Physician Spouses Podcast hosted by Kendra Harvey
- The MedLife Support Podcast hosted by Lisa Muehlenbein
- Behind the White Coat Podcast hosted by Amanda Baron
In real-life relationships matter, too. Wright relied on nearby family when her husband was in med school and residency and built strong friendships with other moms when her kids were small. She also prioritized the limited time the couple had together.
“We were always so intentional from the beginning,” said Wright. “Even in medical school and residency, we always carved out time even if it was just dinner or a walk on a beach — time away to talk to each and keep that connection. We knew that we were going into the fire. We knew that medical school and residency would be rough.”
Medicine-Proof Your Relationships
Because medicine can be so all-consuming for both partners in the relationship, you want to “medicine-proof” your most important relationships, including the relationship you have with yourself, said Harlock. “When you yourself are thriving, you are much more able to be a better partner, better spouse, better parent, and better friend. Figure out what fills your cup.”
“I’m not sure it [being a physician spouse] gets easier,” she added. “But I think you do grow into the role if you’re taking care of yourself and taking care of your relationship and asking for help when you need it.”
And there’s something to be said for trial by fire. Surviving medical training and practice together can make your relationship stronger. “There’s a greater depth there,” said Jardine. “You’re doing such difficult things for so long that you develop a trust with the other person…it bonds you.”
Sources revealed having no financial disclosures.
Kelly K. James is a freelancer, content manager, and author of The Book That (Almost) Got Me Fired: How I (Barely) Survived a Year in Corporate America. She covers health/wellness, business/career, and psychology topics from her home in the Chicago suburbs.
